For the past year I have been on a suboxone treatment program, as well as talking with an amazing drug counselor twice a week. I have been participating in this treatment for 10 months and it has been a life saver. I was hesitant at first to replace a heroin dependency with suboxone, but 10 months later the results speak for themselves. Yes, you are taking an opiate to prevent horrible withdrawals, but besides that, I have my life back. I have hopes and dreams now, more then I can say when I was using. And I have slowly weaned off the subs and I know am on 2mg, down form 8mg a few months ago. I am proud of the progress I have made.
I want to talk about something very familiar to myself, and for many addicts, and people in the world; depression. And more than that, suicide. When I was in the midst of my addiction I could not imagine my life being any worse then it had gotten. So I decided that I didn't want to deal with this shit anymore. When I was 21 I decided to overdose myself and end the pain. When you are struggling with addiction and depression, ending your life seems like the easy way out. And it is. I have talked to old friends about my suicide attempt and I hear the same thing. "I've tried to overdose myself before also." It is more common than you may think. I wonder how many of the overdoses we see are actually done on purpose. I wasn't using the needle, so I swallowed 40mg of kolonopin and a bottle of Tylenol. Chasing it with whiskey. The result: I spent a week in ICU, nearly suffered kidney failure, then spent another 3 weeks in the hospitals psych ward. It was traumatizing to say the least. Looking back on it I don't see how I could've thought that was a viable option. I am so grateful that I did not end my life that day. I would of never experienced the joy I feel today. I am not proud of it, but it has had a major effect on me. 6 years later, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can close my eyes and see the aftermath; I had cut my wrist and blood was all over the bathroom. It looked like a scene out of a horror movie. To think that's how I thought I would feel better. I never want to forget the pain I felt because when I get an urge to use today all I do is think back on that time and I remember how bad that time of my life was. For a long time I would wake up from night terrors. There is one dream that slowly got more realistic. It was a using dream, and eventually I was dreaming of shooting up. It was so realistic I would wake up in a terror, sweating bullets, looking to my arms for track marks. Truly frightening. Those dreams and the memories of my using will never go away, but I have learned to use it as motivation. I danced with the devil and I am alive to tell about it, and I never want to go back to that. Life does get better. It took me years to deal with my issues in a healthy way. Educating myself on addiction, and finding a way to cope with things has been the biggest factor in my recovery. I know I am a week away from receiving a business degree from Colorado State University, a top 100 business school in the country, and I could not be more proud of myself for persevering through everything. I am very determined to make something of myself and show people that with a little help anything is possible. Ask some of my friends in high school and they would of said I would end up in prison or dead; part of it is true. I would be dead or in jail if it wasn't for the grace of God. That is why I tattooed a guardian angel on my back, to remind me that I have been given a second chance at life and that I need to appreciate what I have. I overcame my demons and want to inspire others to overcome their demons as well. I will never forget my friends I have lost due to their addictions. I hope nobody has to experience loss like that.
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AuthorI am a grateful recovering alcoholic and substance abuser. I graduated from CSU with a BA in business, and am now a law student pursuing a career in the legal field. I hope you enjoy my site! Feel free to introduce yourself and share a story with me that I will publish! Archives
July 2020
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