What a week. Now that school is over, and I'm in between jobs, I don't have much to do. And for an addict, that is dangerous. I thought of a few tips that I thought I'd share about how to prevent your next relapse.
Thanks for reading.
0 Comments
I want to use this post to talk about how grateful I am for everything I have been through. I would not be as strong and disciplined if I had not gone through the pain and suffering I did because of my drug use. I am sitting here though just thinking about some of the good friends that I no longer speak too because they are still in the depths of the addictions, are sitting in a jail cell somewhere, or have passed away from an overdose. It feels like survivors guilt. Like I am the only one who has been able to pull myself out of it and get my life together. Some of my old friends were kids that I had known since elementary school. The relationships were not just us getting high together, we were truly good friends and hung out whether or not drugs were involved. Just as we got deeper into drugs, that became all we did. I do feel lucky though to be able to say that I am a recovering addict. Reflecting on my choices, it is a miracle that I survived, and that is why I feel so grateful.
It has been a great week too. I graduated and finally received my bachelor's degree, and I have a job all lined up; a big boy job. One thing I was told by my counselor is that as a recovering addict, it is important for me to have achievements that I am proud of. And although it took me a little longer to get my degree than others, I never gave up. I had a few relapses that caused setbacks in my college career, but after every slip-up I would get my act together, sometimes would take longer than others, and reenroll in classes at a local college. It wasn't until a few years ago when I really buckled down on my studies. I had an awesome two years studying and received my AA from a mountain college. It was there that I really developed a strong discipline and focus to work, go to school full time, and support myself. It built my self-confidence and my independence and I began to see that I could be on my own and not self sabotage it. Although I did relapse after two years, that chain of events that happened brought me back to my hometown and I was able to get into a respectable, accredited 4 year university. At the time I thought I had really fucked up my chances, but again, I knew I wanted to graduate, so I did whatever I needed too to make it happen. That is another thing that my recovery has taught me, I am now a man of action. When I say I will do something, I do it. No questions asked. And it stems from having to figure out recovery for myself, and what exactly it will look like. As I said earlier, I practice a harm reduction strategy. I may have a beer for dinner, but it is a rarity I will get drunk. I have learned my limit and how to moderate my drinking. I also smoke marijuana. As a way to help with my anxiety and sleep, but also before I go on runs or a work out because it helps to focus my energy. Getting high on marijuana actually puts your brain waves in the same state as if one were meditating. Many people do not realize that marijuana was used in spiritual ceremonies centuries ago. As with all drug laws, it wasn't illegal until people began saying that it turns Mexicans and African Americans into savages who rape white women. It was a fear campaign to get it outlawed and they were successful. And if you don't believe me watch the movie "Reefer Madness." Finally, I am grateful for my family, and for them helping me to see that I am an intelligent man who can be successful. Having their support made all the difference. It made me realize that I am not a terrible person. I have a deeper faith now as well. My recovery has not been a single method that has worked. It is a mixture of everything I learned in AA/NA, rehab, therapy and counseling, from probation and court ordered classes, and from self educating myself. I used for over 10 years, beginning when I was 12. As my cousin put it, "you walked 10 years into a forest, and now you have to walk 10 years to get out." More like I will be walking the rest of my life. If you're reading this and have no idea what life would look like without getting high, don't worry because I felt the same way. You feel empty inside when you first get sober, and you have to fill that hole with healthy alternatives. If it is your first time sobering up, go to 90 AA/NA meetings in 90 days, or a 3 month inpatient clinic. The first year of sobriety is incredibly important in building a routine and adjusting to life without drugs. I had to go to counseling and therapy to deal with the trauma I experienced. What ever you do though remember that it is going to take time, and hard work. With a little faith and support you can do it though. If you can put 10% of your effort into recovery, as you did to getting high, you will be okay. Thanks for reading. For the past hour or so I have been reading a blog about why addiction is a choice. The funny part is that the blog does nothing to help people, it seems to only validate and cement the authors beliefs. What I find most funny is how rude and negative he is to people who disagree with him. There are a few people who get so caught up in the argument that addiction is a disease not a choice and vise versa that they write like they are the doctors and psychiatrists who do the research! Cognitive dissonance is strong! Personally, who gives a shit if addiction is a disease or not. Does that help someone who is in the midst of addiction? Nope! It just makes the authors and commenters look silly and ignorant. I am not going to waste time doing unnecessary research on a subject as complex as addiction; I will only talk from my experience, and my experience tells me that I did not have a choice when I was using. If I did not use I was going to get sick. Period. I believe that it is a learning disorder, but I will never criticize someone who believes differently. This is not a blog so I can prove to everyone how smart I am. I am not in this for validation, only to try to help someone who may be struggling. I will never engage in the type of condescending behavior that I read on other recovery blogs. You can expect me to be supportive, and if I disagree. I will tell you in a logical, reasonable way. I do not believe that you may someone understand by calling them stupid! The authors of that blog need to take some of their own advice. I’m going to write about what has worked for me in my recovery and how I manage my cravings so that they are under control. I want to give AA the credit that it deserves. I went to meetings for months after my recent relapse. Before that I did the same; after I would relapse I would go back to meetings for a while until I felt stronger on my own. I did the sponsor thing and made it through the steps, I just haven’t kept up with going to meetings regularly. The program helped me develop a daily routine of going to meetings and exercising, and it helped me to start talking about my feelings and the cravings I feel at times.
I have always thought of myself as an intelligent kid. I was on the honors roll through middle school but I still didn’t feel like I fit in. That is a major reason why I was so attracted to drugs and that lifestyle, was because I finally felt like I belonged. I looked up to the older kids and saw how people treated them, and how cool they were. When I got to high school I had given up on all sports and began skipping classes to smoke weed and skateboard. I had a problem with authority, and being told what to do. I am very confident in my skills and abilities and did not want to waste my time in classes I did not enjoy. I gave up a promising hockey career because I simply didn’t want to play anymore. All my life I have been involved in sports, whether it was basketball or hockey, I was a jock. But something about that reputation I didn’t like, so I began to rebel and get in trouble and party. If you analyze my past you could probably say I was lashing out because of the broken relationship I had with my dad; it was not until years later that I began addressing these issues. Looking back, I am grateful for what I went through because it has taught me a lot about who I don’t want to be, and knowing where you don’t want to be is a good place to find out what you do want to be, and I would say that I am at that place now, exploring my interests, and finding new hobbies, like blogging, running, and art. So, what has helped? It is more than just to stop using drugs. I found that out from personal experience, but had my beliefs validated as I started to educate myself on how addiction works in the brain. For me, it has been exercising 5 days a week, meditating, getting back involved in church, and going to school, or work, every day of the week. I developed some very bad and unhealthy habits in high school that I still battle to this day, but it has gotten easier. For so long I reacted to any situation by going out and getting high. When I was happy and want to celebrate, I’d get high. When I was having a bad day, I got high. I could not function without something in my system. I am embarrassed to say that of all the funerals I went to for friends that passed, I was high at all of them. It eventually got to the point where I became dependent on drugs, and it would be physically excruciating when I would go through withdrawals. What I had to do was develop a routine that did not revolve around getting high. Many addicts will agree that it is a full-time job hustling and being in the drug game. I would wake up and figure out a way to get high, and that would go on throughout the day, and then restart the next day. I finally realized that if I bought quantity I could make some $ and get high for free. And that is how I started to hustle. Things also got more dangerous, I was paranoid as hell that I would get busted. People started to get popped and do time, others OD’d, and here I was feeling stuck in the middle of it all. I felt trapped, so I did what was instinctive, got high and continued to hustle. I started to realize that this wasn’t the life I was born to live, and so then when I would get high it would not be as enjoyable. The knowledge I gained from AA would be in the front of my mind, and I started to feel like a disappointment, I felt accountable finally to the meetings and my family and friends. When I began to feel like I had control of my life, it was much easier to walk away from everything. I would have periods of sobriety; 9 months then I’d relapse, 2 years then I’d relapse, another 10 months then I would relapse. I got tired of that pattern, I got tired of getting myself to a good place and then throwing it all away. I would gain the trust of my family back, and then lose it in an instant. It wasn’t hard to tell I was high, I would usually be mumbling my words, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I remember one summer, when I was on Xanax an k-pins every day, my brother found me nodded out and thought I was dead. I woke up to see his face, and it scared me. He thought he had found me dead from an OD. My using was affecting others around me in a negative way, and I had to do something about it. That was when I decided to go on suboxone. It was a way so I could continue going to school and not have to take time off to detox. It has also helped me develop a strict routine and be disciplined about keeping it. That is when the doctor told me about a book on addiction called Unbroken Brain: A Revolutionary New way of Understanding Addiction. Essentially, the author argues addiction is a learning disease that we develop, most of the time, when we are young, as a coping mechanism to our environment. My dad drank a lot when he was married to my mom so I was looking for a way to escape from how dysfunctional our home had gotten. And that validates the point it’s a learning disorder. I developed neural pathways in my brain that made using my natural reaction, I had literally hardwired my brain with drugs. This is where the using turns to an addiction. I continued to use despite the negative consequences, and I could not help it. I needed to completely rewire my brain. Another book that has helped me understand addiction is called Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. This book showed me scientific evidence that exercising, specifically aerobic or cardiovascular exercise, rewires a person’s brain, and that it is especially beneficial to someone struggling with addiction. Aerobic exercise, running, releases endorphins and endocannabinoids that give a person a “runners high” leaving you feeling calm, relaxed, and happy. I had always known about the runners high, but I did not see how it correlated to my recovery; I have always had some sort of exercise routine but not a regular cardio routine. Overall, I have learned about the importance of exercise in my recovery, and that I was not going to be “cured” overnight; this is an issue I will deal with for the rest of my life. The biggest thing for me early on, and still, is that my life is not as exciting as it used to be. I have had to learn new ways to fill my excitement; mountain biking, snowboarding, longboarding, sports that are challenging and get my adrenaline going. I have also begun to run in 5K’s, training to run a full marathon at some point (I would love to be able to do a triathlon). I have a sense of belonging now, and connection to people and the world that I didn’t feel before. I have established a regular meditation practice and have read different books about Buddhism, and Taoism. I am interested now in how I can be the healthiest possible, and taking care of my mental state by reducing my stress. These are the ways that I cope with life and how I deal with my recovery, and I hope that if you’re reading this that you may be inspired to make major life changes and live a happy, drug-free life. My recovery has taught me a lot about myself, and who I want to be. As I've said, what works for me does not work for everyone else. Some people find that AA and meetings are what help them. Others devote themselves to God. For me, I have found a medium that I can handle. When I try to remain 100% abstinent from everything I don't last long. Instead, I work a harm reduction strategy. I highly recommend going completely abstinent when you first begin sobriety, especially if you are not used to living a drug free life. When I first tried to get sober, I gave up everything for 3 months, and attended daily meetings, even 2x a day. I learned a lot about my addictions, and met some really great people. I totally surrendered to the program, got a sponsor and started to work the steps. The steps are where I gained a lot of insight. It brought me closer to my higher power, and helped my define what I believed in, and what my values were. Even though I do not attend meeting regularly anymore, they are crucial to my recovery. I still have days where I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and on those days I may attend a meeting. But my recovery is much more complex than going to a meeting everyday. It is something that is so engrained in my daily routine that it is a habit now. Reading and educating myself is another major factor in my recovery. I went to college (and in one week I will receive my bachelor's degree!) but also read books on addiction. I learned a lot about how the brain changes chemically when it becomes dependent on drugs, and how it takes work to break those habits. With educating myself, I developed a daily routine. I get up around 7am and am in bed around 10pm, everyday. I exercise and meditate in the mornings, and am in class all day or working. I really focus on being healthy now. I heard a gentleman say that if we put 10% of what you went through to get high, into staying sober, you'll succeed. That has stuck with me, and when I need motivation I will say it in my head.
So, Harm reduction. What is it? It's essentially replacing certain addictions, with less harmful ones, hence the name harm reduction. For instance, my current doctor, among others, are studying how the use of marijuana in addicts can reduce the use of whatever the drug of choice they may have. Opiates and cocaine are drugs that I have read that this strategy works. And it is something that I do as well. I did not smoke much during my high school until I was a senior. It reduced my drug use at the time dramatically. Given I would still let lose every few weeks. Years later, I now use it as a way to ease my knee pain, and reduce my stress and anxiety. Many people at AA will disagree with that because they believe in 100% abstinence. And that's cool, but your organization is there to help addicts and alcoholics to become sober, to live a life of unity, service and recovery. I find that to many times people tell you what you should do, and if you don't do it by the book (that's where the name big book thumpers comes from) then you are not working the program right. I took what I needed from the program, from the books I read, and I developed my own recovery plan. I have a support system, and people to talk too when I am feeling vulnerable, I have strengthened my spirituality and feel more connected with the world, and to give back I help in the community. Also, I hope that these posts may help someone with their struggles. I am a bit unorganized with my writing here. I do not think too much about what to write beforehand just that I want to post every week about something and recovery. If you are interested in reading about a scientific approach to addiction, I highly recommend the book, Unbroken Brain: A Revolutionary New Way of Understanding Addiction by Maia Szalavitz. It is truly a revolutionary approach to addiction. Thanks for reading. A link for the book: http://maiasz.com/ For the past year I have been on a suboxone treatment program, as well as talking with an amazing drug counselor twice a week. I have been participating in this treatment for 10 months and it has been a life saver. I was hesitant at first to replace a heroin dependency with suboxone, but 10 months later the results speak for themselves. Yes, you are taking an opiate to prevent horrible withdrawals, but besides that, I have my life back. I have hopes and dreams now, more then I can say when I was using. And I have slowly weaned off the subs and I know am on 2mg, down form 8mg a few months ago. I am proud of the progress I have made.
I want to talk about something very familiar to myself, and for many addicts, and people in the world; depression. And more than that, suicide. When I was in the midst of my addiction I could not imagine my life being any worse then it had gotten. So I decided that I didn't want to deal with this shit anymore. When I was 21 I decided to overdose myself and end the pain. When you are struggling with addiction and depression, ending your life seems like the easy way out. And it is. I have talked to old friends about my suicide attempt and I hear the same thing. "I've tried to overdose myself before also." It is more common than you may think. I wonder how many of the overdoses we see are actually done on purpose. I wasn't using the needle, so I swallowed 40mg of kolonopin and a bottle of Tylenol. Chasing it with whiskey. The result: I spent a week in ICU, nearly suffered kidney failure, then spent another 3 weeks in the hospitals psych ward. It was traumatizing to say the least. Looking back on it I don't see how I could've thought that was a viable option. I am so grateful that I did not end my life that day. I would of never experienced the joy I feel today. I am not proud of it, but it has had a major effect on me. 6 years later, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can close my eyes and see the aftermath; I had cut my wrist and blood was all over the bathroom. It looked like a scene out of a horror movie. To think that's how I thought I would feel better. I never want to forget the pain I felt because when I get an urge to use today all I do is think back on that time and I remember how bad that time of my life was. For a long time I would wake up from night terrors. There is one dream that slowly got more realistic. It was a using dream, and eventually I was dreaming of shooting up. It was so realistic I would wake up in a terror, sweating bullets, looking to my arms for track marks. Truly frightening. Those dreams and the memories of my using will never go away, but I have learned to use it as motivation. I danced with the devil and I am alive to tell about it, and I never want to go back to that. Life does get better. It took me years to deal with my issues in a healthy way. Educating myself on addiction, and finding a way to cope with things has been the biggest factor in my recovery. I know I am a week away from receiving a business degree from Colorado State University, a top 100 business school in the country, and I could not be more proud of myself for persevering through everything. I am very determined to make something of myself and show people that with a little help anything is possible. Ask some of my friends in high school and they would of said I would end up in prison or dead; part of it is true. I would be dead or in jail if it wasn't for the grace of God. That is why I tattooed a guardian angel on my back, to remind me that I have been given a second chance at life and that I need to appreciate what I have. I overcame my demons and want to inspire others to overcome their demons as well. I will never forget my friends I have lost due to their addictions. I hope nobody has to experience loss like that. |
AuthorI am a grateful recovering alcoholic and substance abuser. I graduated from CSU with a BA in business, and am now a law student pursuing a career in the legal field. I hope you enjoy my site! Feel free to introduce yourself and share a story with me that I will publish! Archives
July 2020
Categories |