I want to use this post to talk about how grateful I am for everything I have been through. I would not be as strong and disciplined if I had not gone through the pain and suffering I did because of my drug use. I am sitting here though just thinking about some of the good friends that I no longer speak too because they are still in the depths of the addictions, are sitting in a jail cell somewhere, or have passed away from an overdose. It feels like survivors guilt. Like I am the only one who has been able to pull myself out of it and get my life together. Some of my old friends were kids that I had known since elementary school. The relationships were not just us getting high together, we were truly good friends and hung out whether or not drugs were involved. Just as we got deeper into drugs, that became all we did. I do feel lucky though to be able to say that I am a recovering addict. Reflecting on my choices, it is a miracle that I survived, and that is why I feel so grateful.
It has been a great week too. I graduated and finally received my bachelor's degree, and I have a job all lined up; a big boy job. One thing I was told by my counselor is that as a recovering addict, it is important for me to have achievements that I am proud of. And although it took me a little longer to get my degree than others, I never gave up. I had a few relapses that caused setbacks in my college career, but after every slip-up I would get my act together, sometimes would take longer than others, and reenroll in classes at a local college. It wasn't until a few years ago when I really buckled down on my studies. I had an awesome two years studying and received my AA from a mountain college. It was there that I really developed a strong discipline and focus to work, go to school full time, and support myself. It built my self-confidence and my independence and I began to see that I could be on my own and not self sabotage it. Although I did relapse after two years, that chain of events that happened brought me back to my hometown and I was able to get into a respectable, accredited 4 year university. At the time I thought I had really fucked up my chances, but again, I knew I wanted to graduate, so I did whatever I needed too to make it happen. That is another thing that my recovery has taught me, I am now a man of action. When I say I will do something, I do it. No questions asked. And it stems from having to figure out recovery for myself, and what exactly it will look like. As I said earlier, I practice a harm reduction strategy. I may have a beer for dinner, but it is a rarity I will get drunk. I have learned my limit and how to moderate my drinking. I also smoke marijuana. As a way to help with my anxiety and sleep, but also before I go on runs or a work out because it helps to focus my energy. Getting high on marijuana actually puts your brain waves in the same state as if one were meditating. Many people do not realize that marijuana was used in spiritual ceremonies centuries ago. As with all drug laws, it wasn't illegal until people began saying that it turns Mexicans and African Americans into savages who rape white women. It was a fear campaign to get it outlawed and they were successful. And if you don't believe me watch the movie "Reefer Madness." Finally, I am grateful for my family, and for them helping me to see that I am an intelligent man who can be successful. Having their support made all the difference. It made me realize that I am not a terrible person. I have a deeper faith now as well. My recovery has not been a single method that has worked. It is a mixture of everything I learned in AA/NA, rehab, therapy and counseling, from probation and court ordered classes, and from self educating myself. I used for over 10 years, beginning when I was 12. As my cousin put it, "you walked 10 years into a forest, and now you have to walk 10 years to get out." More like I will be walking the rest of my life. If you're reading this and have no idea what life would look like without getting high, don't worry because I felt the same way. You feel empty inside when you first get sober, and you have to fill that hole with healthy alternatives. If it is your first time sobering up, go to 90 AA/NA meetings in 90 days, or a 3 month inpatient clinic. The first year of sobriety is incredibly important in building a routine and adjusting to life without drugs. I had to go to counseling and therapy to deal with the trauma I experienced. What ever you do though remember that it is going to take time, and hard work. With a little faith and support you can do it though. If you can put 10% of your effort into recovery, as you did to getting high, you will be okay. Thanks for reading.
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AuthorI am a grateful recovering alcoholic and substance abuser. I graduated from CSU with a BA in business, and am now a law student pursuing a career in the legal field. I hope you enjoy my site! Feel free to introduce yourself and share a story with me that I will publish! Archives
July 2020
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