I’m going to write about what has worked for me in my recovery and how I manage my cravings so that they are under control. I want to give AA the credit that it deserves. I went to meetings for months after my recent relapse. Before that I did the same; after I would relapse I would go back to meetings for a while until I felt stronger on my own. I did the sponsor thing and made it through the steps, I just haven’t kept up with going to meetings regularly. The program helped me develop a daily routine of going to meetings and exercising, and it helped me to start talking about my feelings and the cravings I feel at times.
I have always thought of myself as an intelligent kid. I was on the honors roll through middle school but I still didn’t feel like I fit in. That is a major reason why I was so attracted to drugs and that lifestyle, was because I finally felt like I belonged. I looked up to the older kids and saw how people treated them, and how cool they were. When I got to high school I had given up on all sports and began skipping classes to smoke weed and skateboard. I had a problem with authority, and being told what to do. I am very confident in my skills and abilities and did not want to waste my time in classes I did not enjoy. I gave up a promising hockey career because I simply didn’t want to play anymore. All my life I have been involved in sports, whether it was basketball or hockey, I was a jock. But something about that reputation I didn’t like, so I began to rebel and get in trouble and party. If you analyze my past you could probably say I was lashing out because of the broken relationship I had with my dad; it was not until years later that I began addressing these issues. Looking back, I am grateful for what I went through because it has taught me a lot about who I don’t want to be, and knowing where you don’t want to be is a good place to find out what you do want to be, and I would say that I am at that place now, exploring my interests, and finding new hobbies, like blogging, running, and art. So, what has helped? It is more than just to stop using drugs. I found that out from personal experience, but had my beliefs validated as I started to educate myself on how addiction works in the brain. For me, it has been exercising 5 days a week, meditating, getting back involved in church, and going to school, or work, every day of the week. I developed some very bad and unhealthy habits in high school that I still battle to this day, but it has gotten easier. For so long I reacted to any situation by going out and getting high. When I was happy and want to celebrate, I’d get high. When I was having a bad day, I got high. I could not function without something in my system. I am embarrassed to say that of all the funerals I went to for friends that passed, I was high at all of them. It eventually got to the point where I became dependent on drugs, and it would be physically excruciating when I would go through withdrawals. What I had to do was develop a routine that did not revolve around getting high. Many addicts will agree that it is a full-time job hustling and being in the drug game. I would wake up and figure out a way to get high, and that would go on throughout the day, and then restart the next day. I finally realized that if I bought quantity I could make some $ and get high for free. And that is how I started to hustle. Things also got more dangerous, I was paranoid as hell that I would get busted. People started to get popped and do time, others OD’d, and here I was feeling stuck in the middle of it all. I felt trapped, so I did what was instinctive, got high and continued to hustle. I started to realize that this wasn’t the life I was born to live, and so then when I would get high it would not be as enjoyable. The knowledge I gained from AA would be in the front of my mind, and I started to feel like a disappointment, I felt accountable finally to the meetings and my family and friends. When I began to feel like I had control of my life, it was much easier to walk away from everything. I would have periods of sobriety; 9 months then I’d relapse, 2 years then I’d relapse, another 10 months then I would relapse. I got tired of that pattern, I got tired of getting myself to a good place and then throwing it all away. I would gain the trust of my family back, and then lose it in an instant. It wasn’t hard to tell I was high, I would usually be mumbling my words, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I remember one summer, when I was on Xanax an k-pins every day, my brother found me nodded out and thought I was dead. I woke up to see his face, and it scared me. He thought he had found me dead from an OD. My using was affecting others around me in a negative way, and I had to do something about it. That was when I decided to go on suboxone. It was a way so I could continue going to school and not have to take time off to detox. It has also helped me develop a strict routine and be disciplined about keeping it. That is when the doctor told me about a book on addiction called Unbroken Brain: A Revolutionary New way of Understanding Addiction. Essentially, the author argues addiction is a learning disease that we develop, most of the time, when we are young, as a coping mechanism to our environment. My dad drank a lot when he was married to my mom so I was looking for a way to escape from how dysfunctional our home had gotten. And that validates the point it’s a learning disorder. I developed neural pathways in my brain that made using my natural reaction, I had literally hardwired my brain with drugs. This is where the using turns to an addiction. I continued to use despite the negative consequences, and I could not help it. I needed to completely rewire my brain. Another book that has helped me understand addiction is called Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. This book showed me scientific evidence that exercising, specifically aerobic or cardiovascular exercise, rewires a person’s brain, and that it is especially beneficial to someone struggling with addiction. Aerobic exercise, running, releases endorphins and endocannabinoids that give a person a “runners high” leaving you feeling calm, relaxed, and happy. I had always known about the runners high, but I did not see how it correlated to my recovery; I have always had some sort of exercise routine but not a regular cardio routine. Overall, I have learned about the importance of exercise in my recovery, and that I was not going to be “cured” overnight; this is an issue I will deal with for the rest of my life. The biggest thing for me early on, and still, is that my life is not as exciting as it used to be. I have had to learn new ways to fill my excitement; mountain biking, snowboarding, longboarding, sports that are challenging and get my adrenaline going. I have also begun to run in 5K’s, training to run a full marathon at some point (I would love to be able to do a triathlon). I have a sense of belonging now, and connection to people and the world that I didn’t feel before. I have established a regular meditation practice and have read different books about Buddhism, and Taoism. I am interested now in how I can be the healthiest possible, and taking care of my mental state by reducing my stress. These are the ways that I cope with life and how I deal with my recovery, and I hope that if you’re reading this that you may be inspired to make major life changes and live a happy, drug-free life.
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AuthorI am a grateful recovering alcoholic and substance abuser. I graduated from CSU with a BA in business, and am now a law student pursuing a career in the legal field. I hope you enjoy my site! Feel free to introduce yourself and share a story with me that I will publish! Archives
July 2020
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