Somebody recently asked me, as an MAT (Medication assisted treatment) patient, what am I doing that is working? To help break the stigma surrounding suboxone and methadone treatments I have been sharing my story on this blog in hopes that it will help at least 1 person who may be struggling with drug addiction. Suboxone works for me because I have no other options. I went into recovery in 2011 and since then I have relapsed every summer. And as the summer is winding down my drug use usually picks up, and since 2011 I have been hospitalized twice from an overdose, and then I had a gran-mal seizure because I was going through benzodiazepine withdrawal. I have reached the conclusion that I cannot carry on any longer in this cycle of addiction. It is becoming too difficult to pick myself up after I fall. The traditional rehabilitation routes did not work for me. Long-term I was still having trouble maintaining my sobriety. Last summer, after I had been on a three-month bender, it dawned on me that I did not have the energy to detox myself and then go right into my senior year of college. I had put myself in a fucked-up position, but it was becoming a common occurrence, and I needed to break the cycle. That is when I reached out to a methadone and suboxone clinic. I am grateful I chose suboxone after I learned how it affects me differently than methadone. They do the same thing chemically, however with methadone you can also use and compound the high. Suboxone blocks the opiate receptors in your brain so that if I were to use there would be no effect. No opiates can bind to any receptors. Also, the suboxone I take is buprenorphine and naloxone so there is no high associated with it. It keeps me from going through withdrawals, it helps me adjust to a normal lifestyle, and the most important factor is that it severely decreases the amount and strength of urges. Given, now that it is the summer I have been having more urges than normal. To counter this, I initially took an extra 1mg one morning and it helped relieve the anxiety; I am back down again to 2mg. I also have been running nearly every morning. The exercise has helped incredibly. It is an outlet for me to release my energy. Energy that otherwise would be fueling the ruminating thought cycle that precedes a relapse. This is where I have noticed a difference. Running has helped me to channel the energy it takes to think about using, and focus it into my run. I will begin to think about a time using, and I will feel a shot of dopamine rush through my blood. All my hairs stand on end and I get goosebumps, but I also get an energy boost in my run. I focus that energy and I feel my pace get quicker, my legs move faster, and I get into a zone. It is such a hyper-focus that I get tunnel vision, my peripherals go blurry like I am going through a worm hole. The thought quickly dissipates but the energy boost lasts much longer. It is like I hit the NO2 button, and the last miles of my run feel effortless. Music helps also. When a song comes on that I would listen to when I had been rolling, I get a boost of energy as well. By learning to focus my energy I am breaking my cycle of addiction. My ultimate goal is to create the habit that when I feel an urge to use, instead of ruminating on the thought, or fighting the thoughts, I release that energy through an intense run or workout, or through the work I am doing. Either way I am learning to channel my energy for good.
So, to answer the question of what I am doing that seems to work, meditation and running are the top two. With meditation, it helps me to engage in self-reflection. It also helps with easing my mind. I now have less anxiety and I don’t constantly feel like there is a hamster on a treadmill in my mind. It has also increased my self-awareness and to recognize what is important to me. It may sound crazy but meditating is my medicine these days. If you have a regular practice yourself, you may understand what I mean. If not, I recommend taking time each morning to focus your mind with guided breathing, and try it for a few months before you quit. You may be surprised at the benefits you start to see. Like meditation, running has also helped ease my anxiety, and become an outlet to release energy. I would get so transfixed by the thought of getting high, I was powerless to my desires. Running and meditation help me to direct that energy into healthy outlets. I am amazed at how after 2 or 3 miles, any thoughts about drugs, and the subsequent dopamine shot I feel, gives me an energy boost to run as fast as I can for the last part of the run; which can be close to a mile. It is complete liberation from the body; I do not feel my legs and my movements and breath feel in perfect harmony. Thus, I feel rejuvenated. I feel like I am getting myself back to who I truly am. Before I began using I was a huge athlete playing all sort of sports. My love to be active has returned now, and I enjoy exercise, and playing the sports I used too. I want to thank my current drug counselor for helping make me aware of my energy and how I can use it to my advantage. He studies jiu-jitsu and uses similar techniques himself. Also, I had a woman in my life who introduce me to reiki, which led to my interest in energy and chakras. Before I end the post, I thought of this as I was lying in bed last night: Drug addiction is a two-faced monster. On one face is the beautiful person beneath the disorder, And the other side is the monster itself. Be careful when you stoke the beast, For you might not like her response. God bless. Thank you for reading.
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AuthorI am a grateful recovering alcoholic and substance abuser. I graduated from CSU with a BA in business, and am now a law student pursuing a career in the legal field. I hope you enjoy my site! Feel free to introduce yourself and share a story with me that I will publish! Archives
July 2020
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