It is summer time. And with that comes nice weather, long, hot days, and for a recovering addict it brings with it a host of urges and memories. No matter how long you have been in recovery, you will have to learn to cope with urges and temptations. This time of year though brings back memories of years past. The festivals I'd go to for entire weekends, tubing down the river, hiking in the mountains, and so many other fun things I would do. The most prolific memories though are of using drugs. It is those memories I have to battle to make sure I don't make a mistake, relapse. So I memorialize my feelings in journals and blog posts, and I fight the urges by getting up and going for a run. It works for me and that's all that matters.
I was sitting in church last Sunday, and I had decided to go alone. I didn't know why but I felt a desire to be there at that particular moment. And I am glad I did because I saw they were remembering the life of a girl I had dated after HS, my best friend dated her throughout HS, and she was my senior prom date. It was terribly sad to hear that she died from complications from heroin use. She is leaving behind a daughter who is now an orphan because the father passed years ago from, you guessed it, Heroin OD. And this was a girl who did not even smoke weed until senior year. So I am sitting in the pew with my hand over my eyes thinking of all the people who I have known have lost their life to Heroin. Then I see that the little brother of a buddy of mine also passed away. I do not know details but I do know he was in recovery. I suffer from survivors guilt because of everything that has happened. I feel guilty for introducing H to my friends group. It was not until I brought it around that people started switching from OC to H. I did not care at the time because it was exciting, a new drug that would knock anyone on their ass. I have talked with old friends about this and there response is if I wouldn't have brought it, somebody else would of, so don't beat myself up over something I cannot control. But when you see the destruction the drug has caused in your hometown, no matter what people tell me, I will still have a small amount of guilt. I was really having troubles with a topic for this post as I was brainstorming last night. I decided to take an honest approach. I have been dealing with strong urges to use; something about the summer time brings out the beast in me and if I am not careful my thinking shifts back to a criminal mind state and I tend to relapse shortly after. In AA it is called a case of the "fuck its." I have now had two more old friends die from drug use or complications from IV use, and my first thought is, damn that must've been some good H! How fucked up is that??!! HA. I have some great friends though who can talk me back down from the edge, who will tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. Not sure what the point of this post is other than I needed to get some shit off my chest. I do have people to talk too when I feel anxious or tempted, but I feel a sense of ownership with this blog, and I want to communicate to readers that recovery is for life. You are never "healed," you may be in "remission," but you never fully recover. You learn proactive preventative techniques to help manage emotions and feelings, to regain a sense of control in your life. For me, I meditate, practice yoga, I've began running 2 miles every morning, lift weights, and anything that will break a sweat. I was an athlete before I was an addict, and I am that same person. Playing sports takes me to my childhood, before I saw how fucked up life can get. I also have gotten back into fishing, and golfing. If there was a hero's journey in my story, I am back home and on the path moving forward, and part of my responsibility is to give back what I was given so freely. I hope that something in this post resonates, that there is a better day coming, pain and suffering are not permanent but you have the power to pull yourself up from the depths of darkness and shine light where there was none. God bless. Thank you for reading.
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AuthorI am a grateful recovering alcoholic and substance abuser. I graduated from CSU with a BA in business, and am now a law student pursuing a career in the legal field. I hope you enjoy my site! Feel free to introduce yourself and share a story with me that I will publish! Archives
July 2020
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