Last time I wrote a post it was after I relapsed and was arrested again for DWAI. Fast forward 28 months and my life is completely different. For one, I continue to make recovery the most important part of my life. If I am not sober, then everything I have worked for goes down the drain. My last arrest cost me my seat at law school, among many other things; It was devastating. I remember thinking that I had a choice to make, I could deal with my issues, take responsibility, get a job and support myself, or, I could give up and move back in with my family. I decided to stay in Denver, and make it work. And work it did.
Now here I am back in law school, in a way better position nonetheless, and all my hard work has paid off. One of the first things I did after getting settled was find a new AA group to attend. I plan on getting connected and involved here, just as I was in Denver. I have never felt the need to be connected in a sober community as I have these past 28 months. I always went to meetings and such, but never got to know everyone. I enjoy going to meetings; meeting the newcomer and hearing their story helps me remember where I was, what I went through, and how grateful I am for being in the position I am in now. 
I have learned that everything happens in the manner it was meant to be. Now more than ever do those sayings, "one day at a time" "let go and let god" have such a direct impact on me. Accepting that I am here for a reason, and my higher power only knows what that reason is, so I ask for guidance each morning, and that I may do his will. 

This pandemic and the lockdowns that have ensued have been a major strain on many people's psyche. Looking to escape is only natural, but if you are like me, drugs and alcohol are not the way to do it. Treatments and rehab can be expensive as well, so my friends have put together this list of low cost or free options to help anyone who may be struggling during these times. 
Click here

Over the past few months I have had some people reach out to me hoping to be featured on this blog.  I agreed to feature some of their stories because I feel it is important to help spread the message; that is the purpose of this blog anyway, to spread awareness and hope.  

Check out these stories of recovery:

https://www.drugrehab.com/stories-of-recovery/joey-f/

https://www.drugrehab.com/stories-of-recovery/kelly-f/

Thanks to DrugRehab.com for the help!

I have not been on in awhile and I feel a bit disappointed.  Life has been so crazy lately.  Add to that the fact that I finally have a reliable computer!  The old one crapped out on me, then again, and finally one last time after two battery replacements! Gotta love technology.  
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​I feel so naïve reading my past posts.  I was so ready to change the world.  They are very ideological posts.  I don't know if Ill be able to make the change I want, but I can try.  I've recently undergone a lot of change in my life.  I moved to a new city and had a dream I'd been working on get put on hold.  I have not dealt with that sort of rejection in a long time, and too be honest, I have handled it well.  In active addiction I would use these moments as an excuse to get high.  Today, I use it as an opportunity to grow and mature.  The big lesson I've learned is that life is unfair and if you really want something then you must work for it!

​I'll take everyone out with todays daily quote : "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." - Annika Sorenstam 
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We’re told that to be successful you must get a college degree, then work a 9-5 job at a company that sees us as means to an end, not as the humans we are.  Since when is it healthy to sit in a chair for 10/12 hours a day calling people, soliciting for money, staring at a screen?  Its equivalent to being a couch potato.  And we wonder why we have the outrageous obesity rates, high divorce rates, and unprecedented levels of unhappiness.  We are slowly killing ourselves, slaving away for corporations. 
 
How many people do you know have become complacent with where they are?  Who are miserable, yet they don’t do anything about it?  It takes courage to break away from the status quo.  To step out of your comfort zone.  Now, I am speaking in a perfect world.  I make these same mistakes myself.  We have been conditioned, and we are not aware of it.  Not all, but most.  We are capable of great things.  People who change the world are not smarter, they don’t know something we don’t; they take a chance, risk everything, because they have a vision for a greater future.
 
My vison is to change the way we view and treat addiction.  I have been grateful enough to go through a life changing treatment program, and it has got me thinking how different things could be if instead of treating substance abusers as criminals, we treat them as humans, as a public health concern, as suffering from a learned disorder, a debilitating one at that.
 
I would like to help rehabilitate users and criminals, and teach them marketable skills so that they may go on and live a fulfilling, purpose driven life.  I want to help those who cannot help themselves.  If you believe in the bible, then you see that Jesus’ followers were all sinners; murderers, thieves, prostitutes, and he was the voice for the poor and sick. 
 
God Bless and Thank you for reading.
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I feel stuck.  I quit my job last week.  The 12 hour days of being at a desk, cold calling hundreds of people a week, the stress of trying to meet the unrealistically high sales quotas, it was all too much for me to handle.  It was a great experience, and I got to see what I enjoyed, and disliked, about the job.  I was having trouble managing everything that was expected of me.  There is no one to blame besides myself.  I jumped straight into a job after graduation.  I chose to work over travelling to China.  I haven’t felt like I have had time to unwind since I graduated.  I was going full speed; finishing school, working, looking for work after graduation, trying to find a place to live.  I felt like I was being forced to conform, and change who I am.  I have a personality and a desire to help people less fortunate than I.  How can I do that working in investments?  It’s not possible.
 
I do a good job of masking what I feel, then I have a moment and it all comes boiling to the surface.  I am weaning of suboxone and it has me feeling all sorts of weird.  It is not as bad as full-fledged heroin withdrawals; more the anxiety, chills, restless legs, and I feel completely drained of energy.  It is more becoming a hindrance, than it is helping.  And with that I took the initiative to start the wean myself. The withdrawals are tolerable, and I am seeing colors more vividly, food and coffee tastes stronger, and I am noticing the fresh smells of nature. 
 
I feel trapped.  Life goes on, and I am here still trying to figure just what I want out of life.  Getting sober was the easy part.  Learning how to live life is hard.  Life is hard.
 
I know I am an intelligent person with unlimited potential, but if I am not willing to put in the work, then I will continue to feel stuck.  I have been re-evaluating my life ever since I quit my job, and I feel that I am being called to serve, and to serve in the most selfless way possible; the armed forces.  My dream is to go to law school, then go into politics.  But law school costs hundreds of thousands of dollars, and the Air Force will cover it!  So, that is the path I am going to pursue.  Only issue is that I have some prior charges related to underage drinking and a DUI.  Nothing is on my record though, so I don’t know what will be found.. Just pray that they see how far I’ve come in the last 8 years.  I graduated with a business degree, and am a completely different person.  I feel completely transformed.
 
I trust in God.

​Thank you for reading.​

What is your dream?  What is holding you back from following it?  Do not waste another moment in a position that is not fulfilling.  If you feel called to do something great, then take a chance on that dream.  For me, it is helping those lest fortunate then I.  I have always wanted to go to the Air Force, so I quit my job last Friday and will be talking to a recruiter later today.  From that, I want to study law and go to Law School at DU, then into politics and government.  That is how I feel I can make the changes in the world I want to see.   What about you?

​"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

​I lost sight of why I was working in finance.  One, it was the best offer I got out of college, and I felt tremendous pressure to take it and begin a career.  That was a mistake.  I gave up the opportunity to travel through China with a classmate.  Second, the financial services industry is not for me.  The unrealistic demands and sales quotas to hit, the shallow nature of the job, and I felt like I was being forced to conform to being a wall street fellow.  If anything, I feel that the industry is complicated on purpose, so Average Joes don't go into it.  If everyone had the basic knowledge of finance that I got in a summer of working, then there would be no need for money managers.  If anything, you can do it yourself.  My honest thoughts: The finance industry is one giant Ponzi scheme.  taking money from A to give it to B.  The way the authors of the study materials talked about the '08 crash was disgraceful.  They are so out of touch with the reality of most Americans.  Not many people have the ability to lose their entire retirement and savings.  Wall St. and bankers do not have the best interests of the rest of us at heart, they do it for the commissions.  

​That brings me back to the decision to not continue working there.  I wanted it to work so bad, but there more I worked and saw the inner workings of the industry, the less I trusted it.  Greedy brokers and dealers are the cause of the '08 crash.  The short term agenda, and need to make quick cash is not something I agree with.  I have studied Buddhism, sustainability, and business, yet I go into finance?  I am grateful I had the opportunity to experience the industry because it showed me what I liked and didn't like.

​So, I am going to go into the Air Force, and study for Law School.  My dream.  And nothing is going to stop me.  The chains have been broken and I am free.

​God Bless. Thank you for reading 

​Feeling inspired this morning.  I had a great night’s rest and went for a run, and when I sat down to read the daily reflection for today, August 19, it felt like it was speaking directly to me.
 
Let me put that in context.  I have been working now, in a professional setting, ever since graduation in May.  And it has been an adjustment.  I had normalized behaviors, and was ignorant to how out of control my ego had gotten.  Living a life of a drug addict, being on the streets, always fighting for that next hit, it became who I was.  I had been feeling like I reached a plateau, and this past week I feel completely rejuvenated.  I thank my boss for her kind words, and her willingness to show me how to reach the level of success I want.
 
I work in financial services now, and it is everything I’ve dreamed of.  And I am learning how to behave like a professional, not like a street kid.  My boss, with love, had a heart to heart with me, and pointed out to me some areas I can work on.  One of them being is that I don’t know everything!  No shit, right?  Well, apparently, I was giving off that impression. 
 
This brings me back to today’s daily reflection:
 
“There is a wonderful feeling in not needing constant approval form colleagues at work or from the people I love.  I wish I had known about this Step before, because I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action fit the situation, and that it was the correct thing to do.”
 
Referring to our inventory again.  Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.  Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?  Alcoholics Anonymous, pg.67
 
It is fair to say that I’ve been all of that and more in the little time I’ve been at my new position.  I am afraid what people will think of me, I was self-seeking and selfish towards my co-worker, and I have been dishonest with myself about who I was. 
 
And I am grateful how my boss made me aware.  She never talked down to me, but she talked to me like a human, with respect, and very kindly, but with no bullshit, told me how I can improve. 

​What a wonderful feeling it is to feel respected, and not like I have something to prove.

​God Bless. Thank you for reading.

Recovery is about learning to live.  I was an addict, completely out of control, and am lucky to be alive. 
By the grace of God, I can share my experience, strength, and hope. 
 
If I felt disrespected by somebody my first response was to say a smart comment, be aggressive, maybe cuss someone out; my anger was out of control. It was immature, and a childish reaction to a situation I may not have liked, or did not go my way.  I have always had a quick temper and fiery personality, and a tendency to be resentful.  AA helped make me aware of that, meditation has helped maintain my focus on what is important, and exercise helps with my stress, and to blow off steam.
 
I would say that is the biggest difference between being in my active addiction and being in recovery.  I have a tool bag full of tools to use, and instead of reaching to drugs to cope with life, I find myself starting to crave a run.   For instance, I started my new job this week, and after a long day, I got stuck in rush hour traffic; which is going to be more of an occurrence now.  Anyways, it stressed me out, and could feel my blood boil.  I kept it together (maybe dropped the F bomb a bit) but nothing too crazy!  By the time I got home, all I could think about was how bad I just wanted to go sprint.  And sprint I did.  2.5 miles, and 15 minutes later, I was back home, exhausted.  My head was beating and sweat dripping down my face, and my heart was about to jump out of my chest.  And it was the best feeling! That is how I cope now.
 
Also, an unwavering discipline, borderline militaristic at times, is crucial.  An addict is not used to following rules, or adhering to someone else’s expectations.  In fact, that may be the catalyst for some to being experimenting with drugs.  I do not like following rules either, or having someone boss me around, and I was grateful enough to end up in a profession as an independent contractor.  But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.  I have a co-worker for example who is going to really test my patience.  But my attitude is that I will become a better for person for developing a kind approach to people who may get on my nerves.  And in my line of work now that will be more common.
 
I guess if there was one thing I want to express, it is that it is too easy to blow up on someone because you may be offended or angry, but the stronger person knows to control themselves, and maintain an even temperament.  This doesn’t mean be a doormat.  You can absolutely stand up for yourself if you feel like someone may be trying to take advantage of you, or simply a disagreement, but there is a way to do it in which you maintain a professional attitude, and a mature reaction.  And it is something that must be practiced in every interaction had.  The sooner you learn to do that the easier you will have when working with a difficult person.
 
“A fool vents all his feeling, but a wise man holds them back” Proverbs 29:11
 
God Bless. 

I have always dreamed of being a business professional, but only recently have I been able to turn that dream into reality.  When using, I dreamed of doing this, and that, but it never happened.  I would wake up, and do the same thing every day; get some money and score so I don’t get sick, and try to avoid being arrested.
 
My life has purpose now.  I am not chained down, a slave to the drugs; No, I am in control of my life.  It is an amazing, liberating feeling.  When a prisoner steps out as a free man, there must be a certain degree of insecurity; what will I do with all this time?  I have always been told what to do, now I am making my own decisions.  It can be overwhelming, remember Shawshank redemption?    
 
My grandma used to tell me, “Idle hands are the devils handiwork.”  I now understand what that means.  Being new in recovery, it is imperative to find an activity to pass the time.  Try knitting, running, riding a bike, reading, writing, golfing; what did you enjoy as a child?  I have found that what I enjoyed as a kid, is still enjoyable.  I like to go fishing, ride dirt bikes, play golf, read, write, all things that I gave up when I started using.  I threw away a lot of opportunities; full ride scholarships for basketball, or hockey, the chance to play junior hockey, but I learned a lot about myself, and am a better person because of what I went through.
 
One thing I hold onto, that gives me hope and inspiration, is that I went through what I did as a young kid, and now being 26, I have my entire life ahead of me.  I thought for the longest time that I was destined to live the life of a junkie, but that is not true.  With discipline, determination, and the support of my family, and the proper treatment, I have addressed my issues. 
 
On slip and it could all be gone.  The drugs want me to fail; to be weak, and long for their comforting presence.  That warm feeling that overcomes you after a hit.  It is crucial that I stay focused on recovery, because when I lose sight of it, I start to drift back into the darkness.
 
“To whom much is given, much is expected” Luke 12:35
 
God bless.
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